(Image credit: National Geographic Magazine)
Guatemala, April 1 2018: Startling new revelations about the size and scope of the ancient Central American Mayan civilization have antiquities scholars agape. These new discoveries are now roiling the parking and transportation world as well, thanks to additional insights provided by a self-described, “parkaeologist”.
Hidden Maya Leafy Green Suburbs
According to the National Geographic magazine, “Using a revolutionary technology known as LiDAR (short for “Light Detection And Ranging”), scholars digitally removed the tree canopy from aerial images of the now-unpopulated landscape, revealing the ruins of a sprawling pre-Columbian civilization that was far more complex and interconnected than most Maya specialists had supposed.”
Academics are already debating the purpose of the many structures unveiled by the LiDAR research. The expanse of the ruins, covering hundreds of square miles, has also further fueled speculation on the centuries-old mystery of how and why the Mayan civilization collapsed.
University of Freedonia at Laputa Adjunct Professor for Mesoamerican Antiquities, Dr. Cosmo Kardashian, is not surprised by these discoveries. He claims that mainstream science knows what killed the Mayan culture, but has conspired to ignore the truth, due to entrenched special interests.
So, Dr. Kardashian, what destroyed the Maya?
“Overbuilt parking,” Kardashian says authoritatively. “Many of these newly discovered edifices are incredibly large, but they are not palaces. They are not apartments nor temples as has been claimed. They are ancient parking garages and I can prove it. I have alternative facts!”
Kardashian harmonizes these recent discoveries with his own research in Mayan linguistics, a curiosity that first struck him during a drunken binge in nearby Cancun when he tried to decipher ancient writings on a bottle he found. (The bartender turned the tequila bottle right side up so he could read the label correctly, but a career was launched.)
It’s All in the “Glyphs”
The Maya did not possess an alphabet, Kardashian observes, but communicated through word pictures known as “hieroglyphs”.
“These ‘glyphs’ are a language, but not in the sense we use it,” Kardashian explains. “Glyphs are more like modern political cartoons, memorializing a historic event, but composed from an opinionated perspective.”
Kardashian adds, “In Mayan society, even the most modest accomplishment, like not drooling during a state dinner, is magnified and becomes the ‘greatest of all time’ or a ‘work of true genius’. Sort of like a Donald Trump tweet but not nearly as nuanced, layered or factual.”
It is in this vein that Kardashian interprets his own findings on recent digs in Guatemala that revealed several extensive hieroglyphs written in different locations contemporaneously by different Mayan authors.
A Tale of Three Cities and Two Virgins
“In assembling all these different texts, apparently, there was a festival in Tikal celebrating a once-in-a-century solar eclipse,” Kardashian notes. “All the dignitaries from the various city-states surrounding Tikal were invited to attend. The highlight of the event was to be a human sacrifice of two virgins, male and female, and of course, seating space was limited.”
Kardashian continues, “It turns out parking space was limited as well. Now, keep in mind the Maya had neither the wheel nor beasts of burden. Transport of dignitaries and their courtiers was by litter or sedan chairs borne by numerous slaves. These litters, sedan chairs and slaves all had to be ‘parked’ while the event was in progress.”
Mayans Discover Reserved Parking
“The glyphs tell us two kings, Tarcomed and Nacilbuper, arrived late for the sacrifice and only one parking space was left,” Kardashian relates. “Each king sent a warrior ahead to claim the last space. They struggled and Nacilbuper’s warrior vanquished Tarcomed’s representative. Nacibuper claimed the space. Humiliated, Tarcomed loudly claimed that Nacilbuper was a ‘cheater’ and a ‘space-stealer’. Tarcomed announced he didn’t want the parking space anyway and was only there to parade around the temple to display his greatness.”
“So Tarcomed circled the temple seven times and returned to his kingdom,” Kardashian says. “But not before directing his choir to sing a song that he wrote on the spot that said Tikal should be ashamed for colluding with Nacilbuper by not supplying enough parking. The song, sort of a Mayan rap, said that in his kingdom there were eight parking spaces for every sedan chair and every citizen was a virgin.”
“Meanwhile, during this uproar, the male virgin and the female virgin, who were about to be sacrificed, hooked up and when the priests discovered this, they canceled the whole event,” Kardashian says.
Free Parking in Yucatan
Nacilbuper was angry with the cancellation and the king of Tikal was greatly embarrassed, Kardashian says. “But when they heard that Tarcomed had so much parking, they were fearful of losing worshippers, shoppers and virgins to Tarcomed. They immediately began vast, emergency building programs to add more parking to rival that claimed by Tarcomed.”
“A fascinating twist is that the parking construction technology the Maya used was unbelievably elaborate and unnecessarily complicated,” Kardashian observes. “Obviously, this occult knowledge was imparted to them by aliens, time travelers, or the Department of Transportation.”
Kardashian continues, “Tarcomed, realizing he had started a conflict over parking, decreed that henceforth in his kingdom enough parking would be built around every temple to park 100% of the attendees at a human sacrifice gala. The other kings followed suit and one-upped Tarcomed by decreeing all parking must be free of charge.”
Urban Sprawl Arrived Before Columbus
Arable land was soon swallowed up by with parking, Kardashian says. “Resources were diverted to construction of ever-larger parking structures,” he observes. “Congestion ensued as more citizens bought litters and sedan chairs, made up songs about themselves and paraded around in circles trying to find a parking space. The logistics of society were compromised and the environment was degraded by all this pointless activity.”
“Sure, after this building binge there was sufficient parking for a grandiose, large scale sacrifice,” Kardashian notes, “but when there were smaller events like routine dismemberments, floggings or the two-for-the-price-of-one tattoo specials on Monday nights, many spaces were vacant.”
“Then actual war broke out over which king had the biggest parking garage.” Kardashian concludes the sad tale, “The last frieze in the hieroglyphs is incomplete, but translates, ‘Happy April Fool’s Day, but beware the parking-industrial complex’, whatever that is.”
The H2H2H Foundation is a nonprofit organization committed to “sharing excellence in mobility management”, which includes promoting best practices in the administration of parking and transportation facilities. We also advocate for transportation consumers and advance alternative mobility options, such as car sharing, bicycling, carpools and many others. You can learn more about our efforts and ways you can advance the cause of “mobility sustainability” at www.h2h2h.org.